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“We need 45 bags of ice.”
“No, we don’t. We don’t need that many. Get 25 bags.”
I’m not sure why I thought 25 bags of ice was going to be significantly less cold than 45 bags of ice, but for whatever reason, I could simply not get on board with getting in a tub with 45 bags of ice.
25 bags? Maybe.
I had promised that I would do this cold plunge thing.
That was a terrible promise to make. I hate being cold.
But I had asked these Veterans to trust me. I had invited them to a Mission Flexible retreat on a ranch outside of Austin, to do some serious emotional work around hypervigilance, impulse control, trust, depression, anxiety, and trauma. They showed up and did the hard work. Now they wanted me to get in a metal cow trough with somewhere between 25 and 45 bags of ice.
And I had to do it. I had to show up just as fully as they had. And yes, it was going to hurt. But I was doing this with people who had literally been blown up. People who had suffered traumatic brain injuries and lost limbs, people who had been shot and stabbed and suffered Military Sexual Trauma. And I was going to complain about a bunch of ice cubes?
With the help of my literal hand-holder Kevin (one of the Vets who got blown up and lost a leg) I got in the cold plunge and promptly had a panic attack.
I have a panic disorder, so it doesn’t take much to send my body into full-on fight-or-flight sympathetic nervous system overdrive mode. Unexpected loud noises or getting overwhelmed physically/emotionally can send me into a hyperventilating state where I get tunnel vision and have a hard time hearing.
As you can see here.
(Warning: there is lots of swearing in this video)
It feels super vulnerable to share this video. I had said I would share it a few weeks ago, but I chickened out. I wasn’t ready.
I share it now for a few reasons. One is that I want to show how using the breath really can make a difference in getting yourself back in control. Another is that we rarely see a panic attack from beginning to end, and it’s shockingly short compared to how it feels. But most importantly, I want you to listen to how the Veterans support me. Sometimes it’s sweet: when I ask “why am I doing this?” the response is “because you love us!” Sometimes they offer me more tough love: “just get in.”
But my all-time favorite moment is when the guy leading the plunge asks from off-screen if I can submerge myself completely, and Kevin, my hand-holder, glares over and says definitively, “not yet.”
Kevin had my back. He understood what I was processing and wanted to give me space to do that.
That’s what we do for each other.
We know when to push:
“Just get in!”
And when to say:
“Not yet.”
Here’s what else happened this week:
What I learned
I don’t do Valentine’s Day because I think it’s silly. But in case you don’t do it because of a broken heart, I was fascinated to learn that - a broken heart is more than just poetic imagery. The heart can literally change shape with loss, shock, or grief. But good news — it heals. (The video below explains the details.)
What I read
Why Everyone Feels Like They’re Faking It — By Leslie Jamison for The New Yorker
The concept of Impostor Syndrome has become ubiquitous. Critics, and even the idea’s originators, question its value.
What I did live
The lovely David and Belinda from Today Show Australia had me on the show to talk about the 30-year anniversary of Mrs. Doubtfire, mental wellness, the ethical implications of working kids, and how yes, I screwed up takes during filming. I just got a shareable copy of the interview, so you can watch that video below.
What I posted
I’m posting more free content over at YouTube because y’all seem to like free stuff. This is a 15-minute meditation that reminds you to not be a jerk to yourself. Give me a follow while you’re over on YouTube and you’ll get notified with new content.
What is happening at Blue Mala & Mission Flexible
I’ve been publishing more free articles and videos over at Blue Mala, so if you’ve not visited the site, might want to go poke around. For Blue Mala pay-what-you-can members - the March live yoga and meditation classes are posted for you - sign up now and I’ll see you then!
I’ve got a Virtual Veterans Retreat coming up from Mission Flexible. Two parts - Feb 22nd, and March 1st. It’s free and open to all Veterans. Just go here and register via Zoom. We’ll practice some meditation, some mindfulness tools, and just enjoy hanging out together for about an hour. For those who have never been on an in-person retreat, it’s a great way to learn about us, and for those who have, it’s a great way to refresh your skills and visit with your MFer family.
Thank you for being here, friends. If you liked this newsletter, please share, or consider supporting my work and becoming a paid subscriber for just $5 a month and you get a newsletter every single week. It means the world to me.
Much love,
~Lisa