Breathe ~ Relax ~ Aim ~ Squeeze
Breathe ~ Relax ~ Aim ~ Squeeze
I stood with my back to the wall, right next to the door, because there were gunshots going off everywhere.
The thing is - there were supposed to be gunshots going off everywhere - that’s what happens at a gun range. But I could not convince my nervous system of that.
There I was, a person who is terrified of guns and constantly devastated by mass shootings. Why the hell was I at a gun range?
I was, I guess, trying to prove something. I was trying to test my own ability to self-soothe when faced with an anxiety-provoking situation. I was trying to be open-minded and have new experiences. I was trying to make my friend happy.
But none of that mattered in the first few minutes after I walked in. All my body knew for sure was that I was going to die. My hands shook uncontrollably, my vision narrowed, my breathing was shallow and constricted.
I could not move off that wall.
At that moment, my friend had nonchalantly turned his baseball cap backward and was unpacking his gun and ammo — acting like I was not about to die at all. He is a Special Forces Veteran, and had suggested this gun range outing while I was visiting Houston last weekend. I had vacillated between freaking out and feeling like it was totally out of character for me, so therefore I should totally do it. But when I got there, it seemed like even if my mind could rationalize, my body was not having it.
Every time the person next to us fired their shotgun, my body jolted as if I had just been electrocuted.
We were both wearing two layers of ear protection, so it was hard to communicate. I stood with my back plastered to the wall, pale, near tears, my body convulsing every five seconds. He gave me a look that was compassionate, yet questioning. Are you gonna bolt?
I looked back with a face that said:
Yes. No. Wait. Maybe. I don’t know. Yes. Definitely. No. Maybe I can do this.
I peeled myself off the wall.
Slowly, patiently, he showed me how to load the Springfield XD 40 handgun. There were only two steps that I needed to remember, yet the simple instructions jolted out of my brain every time I heard another shot.
“Go ahead,” he’d say.
(bang) My mind went blank.
“Show me again.” (bang)
“Show me again.” (bang)
Eventually, muscle memory took over, when my brain failed.
He coached me through.
Breathe ~ Relax ~ Aim ~ Squeeze
Breathe ~ Relax ~ Aim ~ Squeeze
Breathe ~ Relax ~ Aim ~ Squeeze
After a while, I was able to find some sort of focus there. I deepened my breath. I lowered my shoulders. I unlocked my jaw. I convinced my body that I might not die at this particular moment.
I shot at the target. I hit the target.
Then I hit it again.
I am both judgemental and fearful of guns. I still am.
But I have a bit more of an understanding that I didn’t have before. At the range I saw dads with daughters, I saw groups of women, I saw guys with their girlfriends. I’m not sure what I expected, but it was not what I thought it was going to be.
I looked over my shoulder at some point and saw my friend grinning at me. He was proud.
I was proud. Not because I happen to be a decent shot (which is hilarious) but because I went to that place of deep discomfort, and I found some peace there. I did something entirely unlikely.
But I really hope no one ever shoots a rifle near me ever again.
Here’s what else happened this week:
What I read
Janeane Garofalo Never Sold Out. What a Relief.
Of course, I am a child of Reality Bites, so I love Janeane Garofalo. I’m just finishing up a re-watch of The West Wing, and was delighted to be reminded of how much she kicked ass on that show. And now learning that she doesn’t have a computer, smartphone or email address elevates her even more.
This leads to my new favorite quote
Do you think I can embroider this on a pillow?
“Being popular and well-liked is not in your best interest. If you behave in a manner pleasing to most, then you are probably doing something wrong. The masses have never been arbiters of the sublime, and they often fail to recognize the truly great individual. Taking into account the public’s regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent on you to not fit in.”
Janeane Garofalo
What I loved
This list of sober bars across the U.S - I’ve never been to a sober bar but I really want to go. I’ll be in New York in a couple of weeks so I’m hoping to trek out to Brooklyn for the near-beer garden!
What I felt deeply
What I shared
The L & OK Thing (as I have affectionately named it) is one of my favorite mindfulness tools. I’ve had a few people mention that they have needed to bust this one out to just get through this week. So I figured I’d post a little refresher.
Just as a reminder to Blue Mala members: I’ll be leading a retreat next week so Wednesday’s meditation - which is usually live - will be a recording.
Sending you love, friends. Thank you for being here. I hope you get the chance to do something unlikely this week.
Hugs,
~Lisa