Multiple things can matter
Hi Friends,
I’ve been talking to a lot of people lately about their relationships. So many of them say the same thing: there SO MUCH going on in the world and here I am worrying about my relationships??
Well. Yeah. Of course.
Liz Gilbert tells the story of her friend, a therapist who was helping Cambodian refugees. They had suffered genocide and starvation, family members were murdered in front of them. And what did they want to talk to the shrink about? The guy she met in the refugee camp, because he said he loved her but then took up with her cousin.
This is who we are.
We can acknowledge a war and pandemic and all the other things, and we can acknowledge our own personal challenges. Saying your life is important doesn’t mean that other things in the world are not important. There is room for everything to matter.
Last week was the 21-year anniversary of my first date with my husband. I kind of wish that our eyes met across a room and I knew immediately that I would spend the rest of my life with him. Except that's not at all what happened. I actually don’t remember meeting him. (Yeah. I know. Ouch.)
Jeremy was the roommate of a guy I had dated briefly, and we hung out as friends for four years. We went to Rock 'n Bowl and Disneyland. He let my boyfriend borrow a nice shirt for a premiere. I passed his girlfriend toilet paper under the bathroom stall at The Cheesecake Factory. We helped each other through break-ups and rebounds and more break-ups. I complained to him about all the alcoholic pretty boys with private planes, mommy issues, and little concern with ditching me at a bar.
And then one day, after being friends for four years, something changed between us - and it was more. Love at first sight sounds cool, but the vast majority of the time, the fairy tale doesn't look the way you thought it would.
Please meet these babies of 2001.
We have plenty of fairy tale moments, I still grin when his car pulls into the driveway and he still opens doors for me and watches my ass walk up the stairs. (It’s a very specific fairy tale.) But also, he re-washes the dishes because I am lazy about it and I leave crusty stuff in the corners of the pan and we disagree about thermostat temperature and how much Twitter is reasonable.
We work at it. We don't fall for these rom-com ideas of what relationships should be. And even in the moments when we disagree about something fundamental or when it seems like it might be fun to go get all fluttery-heart, weak-kneed with someone else - we have this foundation of respect for our relationship and the life we have created together.
So, 21 years into this relationship, I feel like I have some cred to give advice. Here are my favorite hard-earned relationship tips:
Go to bed mad
Life is not a sitcom; not everything can be neatly wrapped up in twenty-two minutes. Everyone needs space to think things out and gain some perspective. Rarely is 2 AM a good time to find a resolution for real-life problems.
Start seeing other people
It's never good to have your partner be your only outlet for social interaction. Don't isolate. Don't get lost. Spending time with friends is essential to my mental wellness.
Don’t talk about it
I have to write things out. My mouth moves faster than my brain and writing helps me be clear and not caught in an emotional frenzy. Sometimes I give him the letter, sometimes I don’t, because writing it down is actually all I needed.
Talk behind his back
Venting can be really helpful and an honest reaction to the situation is invaluable. I have specific, time-tested friends for this; people who will shoot straight and won’t go blabbing my business. I also make sure I am not talking to my friend instead of talking to Jeremy.
Be evasive
Sometimes, I need to change the subject. For in-depth issues, sometimes a break from the discussion is in order. Doing something fun together that we both enjoy is entirely invigorating and offers an important bigger-picture perspective.
Talk about yourself a lot
Sadly, he's not a mind reader. If I need something that I am not getting from the relationship, I have to actually verbalize that. Assuming that he “should” know never works well. Then I need to reciprocate by asking him what he needs. And I need to actually listen.
Pretend it didn’t happen
At a certain point, some issues just need to be released. I mean seriously released, not to be dug up again two years later. In all relationships, if I can forgive, I do my best to forgive completely. It's more healing for me than for the person I'm forgiving - it's really for my own benefit. Acceptance is incredibly powerful. It's not the same as condoning someone's actions, it's simply the act of not allowing it to have power over your life anymore.
Lie
down. The oxytocin and endorphins that are activated during sexual activity are great for the mental state. It lowers blood pressure and reduces stress. Sex clearly isn’t just physical, it’s about maintaining and strengthening the emotional connections with a partner. Oh yeah, and it's fun.
I used to think that the most romantic thing in the world was falling in love. But I've learned that there is something even more romantic than that fluttery heart, weak-kneed stuff: choosing to stay in love.
So regardless of your relationship status, please know that your life matters.
Your relationships matter.
You matter.
The world needs you.
Here’s what else happened this week:
What I listened to
A friend reminded me of this amazing talk that Liz Gilbert has on Facing Fear With Compassion. I heard it on Insight Timer at the beginning of the pandemic and I listened almost every morning for a while. It fell off my rotation, but it REALLY needs to come back into my life. It’s just as helpful today as it was then.
What I watched
The HBO comedy special Trash White. Moses Storm grew up in extreme poverty and talks about living on food stamps, dumpster diving, and the myth of upward mobility. He claims to have no agenda, but he clearly does, and I loved it.
I also watched this video of a baby octopus playing with a scuba diver wayyyyyy too many times. She booped him.
What I’m reading
If I Die in a Combat Zone, Box Me Up and Ship Me Home - by Tim O’Brian. An account of O’Brian’s year as a foot soldier in Vietnam, despite his strong feelings against the war.
What I’m excited about
I’ll be attending an online program called Yoga for Trauma and PTSD: understanding the science and research. It is taught by Sat Bir S. Khalsa, assistant professor of medicine at Harvard Medical School. $15 - March 8, 7–8:30 pm EST.
And if you’re looking to get a little more yoga in your life, I’ve been posting more free, quickie yoga classes here. Yoga for the Back, and Yoga for the Neck and Shoulders are getting rave reviews from beginners!
Where we can hang out
I am getting back out into the world and I could not be more thrilled about that. I’ve missed you all. Here’s where I’ll be. Come hang out.
90’s Con - Hartford, CT
Mar 11 - 13
Expedition Balance Veterans Retreat - Houston, TX
Apr 7 - 10
Anxiety Management Weekend Workshop - Kripalu Center For Yoga & Health in Lenox, MA
Apr 15 - 17
Chiller - Parsippany, NJ
Apr 29 - May 1
Yoga, Mindfulness & Writing Retreat - Omega Institute for Holistic Studies in Rhinebeck, NY
Jun 10 -12
Thank you for reading, friends. I am so grateful for you.
May you be safe.
May you have strength
May you be free from suffering
May you feel loved.
~Lisa