Sex is always the first thing
When I ask for examples, sex is always the first thing people want me to write on the board.
Or sometimes they just yell “ORGASM.”
This happens pretty often when I am leading a workshop and talking about this concept called completing the stress cycle. It was coined by Drs. Amelia and Emily Nagoski in their book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle.
It’s all about how to skillfully handle stress - because challenges will happen in life - but we don’t need to get stuck being endlessly burned out. It’s like when two dogs have a conflict: when they walk away, they do that full head-to-tail shake. They are telling their bodies that the stress has been completed, and they are now safe.
We can also complete the stress cycle: we need to shake.
(More proof that dogs are smarter than us.)
So when leading a workshop, I often outline several categories of actions that you can do to complete the stress cycle. Things like physical activity, creativity, laughing/crying, deep breathing, positive social connection, and physical affection.
I then ask my students to identify specific activities that could help regulate the nervous system and reduce the stress state — from yoga to writing to breathing techniques to yes — orgasms. (It’s not surprising why they go there. The term “physical activity” is just begging us all to snicker and turn into 13-year-old boys.)
I led a mindfulness retreat last week and we talked a lot about the physical affection piece. With someone you trust, engaging in a twenty-second hug (or six-second kiss) has enormous benefits to your nervous system. It can lower your blood pressure and heart rate, and improve your mood.
But if you don’t happen to have a cuddle buddy nearby, you can do something creative, or maybe just punch the shit out of something.
A few days ago, I was furious about a thing that happened. I don’t do anger very well. It’s not something that I ever learned how to manage. And while I know it’s important to feel that natural human emotion, it’s also important that it moves through and we don’t get stuck there.
I happened to be on my way to Krav Maga (I’ve fallen in love with this Israeli form of martial arts) and I found that punching the pads was like a miracle cure for my frustration. I punched until I was exhausted and I was surprised I didn’t bite through my mouth guard — and it really helped. Nothing was different when I walked out of the training center, the infuriating thing still happened, but I just felt much better about it.
I completed the stress cycle.
It wasn’t sex. But it was still pretty damn good.
Here’s what else happened this week:
What I read
My Marriage Was Never the Same After That: In 2016, I wrote a poem that went viral. My home life got complicated. Maggie Smith for The Cut
A look at power dynamics in a relationship, the roles we play, and what happens when someone suddenly becomes “famous.”
What else I read
Kieran Culkin Bares (a Lot of) His Soul
The Succession star is feeling introspective as the HBO series that reignited his career comes to a close.
As one of the kid actors who made it out alive, I’m interested in Kieran’s path. He’s also a freaking spectacular actor and I love Succession, so this was a good read. I may or may not have burst into tears reading the quote: “I had this unhealthy relationship with what I did for a living. I really wanted to do it, but I didn’t want to be successful at it.”
The video I saw that pretty much encapsulates what I believe to be true about life
What I was excited about
I’m really thrilled to see more companies investing in the mental health of their employees. I work with a company near Washington DC that does IT work for the federal government. (This means there are a lot of former CIA folks there who don’t tell me specifics about their work.) I am helping them improve their corporate culture around stress management and compassionate leadership. They asked me for some quotes for a press release they were writing, and I wondered what the press release was about - turns out it was about me!
MAXISIQ Partners with Lisa Jakub on Mental Wellness Initiative
They said spectacularly nice things about my work, which my therapist says I need to do better at acknowledging so I’m putting it in my newsletter.
"Lisa's impact throughout our company has been transformational. Her focus on increasing the well-being of our individuals and work is critical. We are grateful for her talents and the tremendous impact Lisa has made."
OK, now I’m blushing.
What I posted
For the last two weeks, I’ve been leading a live Morning Practice. It was so sweet and a shocking number of you showed up really freaking early in the morning. I expect to bring back the live Morning Practice again when my schedule permits - so you can look forward to more of my early morning foggy mind and froggy voice. But until then, I’m happy to offer an on-demand version of that class so you can do it whenever it works best for you.
(You can find this Morning Practice video posted on Blue Mala under Meditation.)
Thank you for reading, friends. I’m grateful for you.
Much love,
~Lisa
PS. For those of you who are pay-what-you-can members of Blue Mala, the classes for May — live meditation, yoga, and office hours — are now posted! Get signed up, get them on your calendar, and come hang out with me and the rest of your Blue Mala crew.