Hi Friends,
I really liked this woman.
She was a little older than me, and she had this effortlessness about her that I’ve never managed to master. (I always look like I’m trying.) But she walked in and just exuded cool. Although she was wearing the uniform of the physical therapy place, a polo shirt with an embroidered logo and scrub pants, she had styled it in a way that made me feel like she knew what she was doing. When she examined my troublesome knee, she was gentle yet confident. She listened attentively and complimented my leg-warmers which I wear unironically.
I liked her.
She poked and prodded at me, asking questions and giving me little physical tests. Then she said this.
“So, it looks like you have arthritis.”
Wait. What? I suddenly liked her less.
I have arthritis? But I’m only twenty..no..thirty…god, actually…forty…three.
The knee had been bothering me for a while, but I thought it was Runner’s Knee or something that made it sound like I was an elite athlete. I had looked up my symptoms before the appointment, and for once Dr. Google had not diagnosed me with cancer. When I had talked to friends in the medical profession, they all told me not to worry about it. But I teach yoga professionally. That’s how I pay the bills. I need to be physically healthy. So I listened to my body and ignored everyone who told me it was fine - and I got it checked out.
But now here I was, spinning out about arthritis. How bad is this going to get? How long will I be able to teach yoga? My yoga practice saved me, what if I can’t practice in the same way? What if I can’t do my job? No. No. We’re not there yet. Stay here. Stay present. Don’t spin out.
It turns out that with arthritis, there are some things you can do about it and some things that are just inevitable. I’m learning about the difference — the balance of effort and surrender —that so many other things in life, including a painful knee, require.
Like, apparently I’m not supposed to sit like this at my desk anymore because arthritic knees don’t like it.
But my yoga practice and my Peloton bike (both of which have even more mental benefits than physical) are both encouraged to help arthritis, along with a few other things I’ll be incorporating. So I’m looking at ways to manage this as I get older — while also understanding that this is just part of the human deal.
Aging comes for all of us — if we’re lucky. I wrote in Not Just Me about my dear friend who died when we were 19. I think about her all the time, and the loss of her has forever altered my perception of getting older. I don’t complain about “being old,” and I never take it for granted. Even when I have to reach for my reading glasses, and when my grey hair multiplies by the second, and when my knees sound like popcorn when I climb stairs. Every experience I have, I think about how I need to live it fully — for her. There was so much she never had the opportunity to do.
As I walked home from my physical therapy appointment, I pulled up my slouchy leg-warmers and thought:
Huh. Cool. Well, Heather never got to have arthritis.
Other than an unexpected diagnosis this week, here’s what else happened:
Where I want to go
For some reason, I have become obsessed with “Canada’s toughest road.” You are required to have not one but TWO spare tires to drive it, and you receive a certificate if you complete the whole thing. Sometimes your gas tank gets punctured. There are grizzly bears, but no cell service. This seems like it would be anxiety-provoking, and who needs more of that, but absurdly, I still really, really want to do it. I showed this to Jeremy and he called it “a nightmare” so if anyone wants to road trip in my home and native land with me, let me know.
What I’m reading
Such a Fun Age - by Kiley Reid
I think it’s annoying to call something a page-turner but this really is a page-turner. It’s the story of a woman who is falsely accused of kidnapping the child she is babysitting. It’s a look at race, privilege, and transactional relationships. It’s so well-written and honest but also has such a light touch, that it’s hard to believe it’s a debut novel.
What is funny because it’s true
These Mothers Were Exhausted, So They Met on a Field to Scream
Not a mother. But I still get it.
What I’m watching
Season 2 of Cheer. As if I didn’t love the first season enough, the second season examines how fame changes everything, and how painful it can be to be in the public eye. Plus there are backflips. I’m totally here for it.
What I want to remind you about
I’ve been hearing from so many people who are dealing with panic right now. I get it. Please remember that this video is here for you. I walk you through exactly what I do, step by step, when I have a panic attack. It’s only eight minutes, but it will help you catch your breath, and slow down that doom spiral. Because sometimes we just need that reminder that we’re not alone. And that we will be okay.
Thanks for being here, friends. I love writing to you every week. Now get out there and get older.
Much love,
~Lisa