Keep showing up
Hi Friends,
I promised to write about the first Mission Flexible Veteran retreat, once I could wrap my mind around it. I’m not sure that my mind is properly wrapped but I want to tell this story because I can’t stop thinking about it.
This is not a story about the Veterans and how much they were supported by this organization. This is about how much they supported me.
I am terrible at asking for help. I’ve always had this go-it-alone mentality. I think I should be able to figure out everything by myself. We can blame this on being an only child, or on beginning my acting career at age four, or on needing to figure out my education without the benefit of having, like, teachers and structure. But for whatever reason — I literally forget that I can ask for help. I will stand there banging a jar on the counter for ten minutes before remembering that I have a lovely husband with excellent grip strength who is more than happy to assist.
This tendency makes me fiercely independent and highly motivated.
It also shrouds me in a vague-yet-constant sense of loneliness, which is kind of annoying.
At the camp where we’ve been holding Vet retreats for the past couple of years, there is a ropes course that is high up in the air. They strap you into a harness and helmet and then you climb a slanted wall, cross a bridge with swinging slats that are very far apart if you have short legs, throw your body across a gaping void, and walk a tightrope. Finally, a zip-line returns you to earth.
It looks like this:
During past retreats, I had gotten away with not participating by pretending to be selfless and saying this is for the Vets, I want to make sure they all have a turn. And I sat in one of those folding chairs and stayed with feet planted firmly.
I’m not actually afraid of heights, I just prefer to be grounded. Mostly, it seemed uncomfortable that people went one at a time, with everyone staring up at them as they wobble-walked across all the things. I don’t like it when people watch me. (Yes, it IS strange that I was an actor, but that’s another newsletter.)
But on that day, I felt the need to get up there. It was time. I bailed on all my standby excuses. But I was nervous. I was worried I was going to go too slow, that I would freeze up, maybe have a panic attack. I was supposed to be leading this program, not curled up in a ball on an elevated bridge, testing my anxiety. This felt stupidly risky — but I kept that all to myself.
As I got up there, I noticed two of the Veterans waiting on the platform. They never asked me if I wanted them to be there. We never discussed what was happening. They just showed up and they went through the course with me. I had Special Forces and a Marine standing right behind me the whole time. Not talking shit, not pushing me, not acting like caffeinated cheerleaders. They were just…there.
It’s true that I could have done this alone.
But I didn’t need to.
There is a common tattoo you’ll see in the Vet community. It reads IGY6. It means I’ve got your six. I’ve got your back.
They had my back.
They didn’t offer help.
They just showed up. 1
After my triumphant experience, I ruined everything by making it super awkward when I stood with my arms out and yelled “Justin, please help me get undressed!” to the very innocent young man who was in charge of harnessing us. He turned purple and it only got worse when I followed it up with all kinds of things I should not have said.
But still. It was an amazing day and it reminded me of two things.
Ask for help
Just show up for other people without asking because they might suck at #1
Here’s what else happened:
What I love to share
This is the 4-minute documentary I made of the retreat. It makes my heart happy. I am planning several Vet retreats for next year, so if you’re interested in learning more, you can do that here.
What I (sort of) watched
The first six minutes of Prehistoric Planet. I finally got around to watching this show that I was so excited about. I love dinosaurs with all the passion of an eight-year-old. I will say, watching a T-Rex swim is one of the most rad things ever. But then one of the T-Rex babies got eaten by a Mosasaur and they did the slow pan into the daddy T-Rex’s face as he counted his children and processed the loss and I had to shut that shit down. I know it was 65 million years ago and I KNOW IT’S ESSENTIALLY A CARTOON, but my highly sensitive soul does not need this right now.
I’m gonna watch Severance instead.
What I’m loving
I’m not sure how I lived so long without DirtySweetPoetry but I’m grateful to be here now.
What I’m troubled by
People keep sending me this because apparently there is a movement to make me a Lego? But they seem to have misgendered Lydia in this imagining, so I just have all kinds of strange feelings about it.
What I felt deeply
Revelatori does some amazing writing/art over on Instagram. September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month and I hope you find a moment to click through and read her short piece on the topic. (TLDR: You matter.)
If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or seeking emotional support, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 at 1-800-273-8255. Or, you can call or text 988 for mental health, substance use, and suicide crisis.
Thank you for reading, Friends. I love to write you every week.
Keep showing up,
~Lisa
I know you two are reading. Thank you. I love both of you MFers.