On wishing people well - even the morons
Hello Friends,
Here is just a sampling of some of the internet comments people have sent me recently.
“I wanted to tell you that in my opinion, Robin Williams overstayed his welcome and I’m glad he’s dead”
“I pity anyone who tries to date you”
“Your life is entirely worthless, I hope you know that”
“stfu you stupid bitch”
This sort of thing is not uncommon in my life. But recently, something about the intensity of it broke me.
I’d like to say that I take these comments in stride. I’d love to tell you that I’m so spiritually evolved that this stuff doesn’t impact me. Maybe I could have been full of light and love while I put one hand to my heart, and said something like, “hurt people hurt people” while riding off on my unicorn.
That’s not what happened. I sobbed so hard that I was hyperventilating. There was lots of snot. I was completely wrecked by the meanness and hatred these people had for someone they had never met. I was devastated by how empowered people felt to attack me from behind a screen.
I blocked them. But it didn’t help me feel better.
I seethed to Jeremy. I ranted that I was going to shut everything down and go into hiding the way I did for a decade after I left LA.
It wasn’t so much that my feelings were hurt (though they were) but it was more about the bigger picture.
Why are we like this?
I follow the amazing Mychal on Instagram. He talks about books and shares stories from his life as a librarian. He is enthusiastic and sweet and a freaking national treasure. A few days ago, he announced that he was taking a step back to take care of his mental health, mentioning the threats he constantly receives.
WTF are we doing as a society that this person isn’t safe to tell stories about the love of reading and libraries?
Why do some people take pleasure in making others feel unsafe? Is it because they feel unsafe and want company in their misery?
The reality of our world is that so many people aren’t safe. We can talk about nonbinary kids being murdered in bathrooms. We can talk about wars and Alexei Navalny. I’m tired of feeling like the bad guys are winning. It feels like everywhere I look, there is cruelty, othering, and dismissing the humanity of others.
I know this is nothing new, but it’s been a lot for me lately and not much has helped. One of the many challenges with being a highly sensitive empath is that this shit HURTS.
So what do we do with it? My answer lately has been to either stomp around my house, yelling and punching pillows, or shut down it completely and numb out. Neither one is working very well, honestly, and the stomping upsets the dog.
But then, as often happens, I go to someone much wiser than me and they have something that helps.
Michelle Dalbeck is one of my teachers - she led my 200-hour yoga teacher training many years ago and I followed her around like a puppy. She knows the things I need to hear fifteen seconds before I know I need to hear them. Michelle led an online class on Metta Meditation last week and she said words that changed things for me.
Metta is a mindfulness practice in which we wish people well. It’s often called compassion training or loving-kindness. We send kindness to ourselves, our beloved people, those whom we don’t know well, challenging people, and finally the whole world.
I do Metta frequently — you might be familiar with this if you’ve taken my yoga classes since it’s how I end them. But this time Michelle had slightly different words:
May we all be protected
May we hold ourselves with tenderness and compassion
May we be healthy in body, mind, and heart
May we experience joy and peace
Metta is not easy. Sometimes when I get to the well-wishes for my challenging relationships, I feel like I’m lying. Can I honestly wish good things for that moron? But Michelle’s version reminded me that I can shift the words, and find something that at least has some truthiness to it.
So when it was time to wish good things for the “challenging person” — I thought of everyone who was spewing hatred, I thought of all of the bad guys who seem to be winning, and I said:
I wish you healing and comfort so you stop being an asshole. 1
It’s not quite the traditional version of Metta, but it gets to the intention of it. It soothes the searing pain I was feeling in my heart. It gives me something to do with my suffering, rather than drown in it or shove it away. I can move through it and not get stuck.
I no longer feel the need to shut it all down and go into hiding. This practice makes me strong enough to keep showing up. It doesn’t excuse their behavior, and it doesn’t let them win by shutting me down.
So now I do Lovingkindness for Assholes.
Words hold incredible power, and when we can find the words that work for us, we can reduce suffering and increase compassion. Maybe that support is for others, maybe it’s for ourselves. In reality, it’s all the same, because we’re all connected.
Well, except for those assholes I blocked. We’re definitely not connected anymore.
Here’s what else happened this week:
What I’m reading
A different genre for me, but I’m finding myself thinking about it when I’m supposed to be doing other things. Always a good sign.
What I’m also reading
Can You Solve Loneliness? These Startups Are Betting On It.
Entrepreneurs focused on social connection are popping up around the country amid what medical practitioners are calling an epidemic
What I watched
I was in recovery from a little medical thing last weekend and watched the entire first season of Shrinking (Apple TV+) Not perfect, but a damn fine binge.
What was kind
7 Reasons to Celebrate 30 Years of Mrs Doubtfire
There are a lot of these articles out there, but this one got me in the feels. I was honored to be one of the seven reasons. I don’t tie my identity to being an actor anymore, but something about their kind words about my performance reminded me that I worked really hard to make Lydia a real person. And I mean, who doesn’t love the word “gravitas”? It always makes me feel good when I’ve done my job.
What is back in stock
We are always selling out of the Blue Mala Mala! It’s a beautiful tool for staying present and feeling connected. I use it to count my breath when I am feeling uneasy — I wrote about how much it helps me here. It’s made of Tiger Skin Sandalwood, with a stretchy cord so it can be worn as a necklace or bracelet. You can order yours here. I’m never without mine.
Thank you so much for reading, friends.
May we all be protected
May we hold ourselves with tenderness and compassion
May we be healthy in body, mind, and heart
May we experience joy and peace
Much love,
~Lisa
Thank you to BriBri for also expanding my language around this.